We have been online helping couplesfor over 8 years and hope we can help. If you are trying to hold people accountable for what has happened in the past I would suggest thatinstead you make the decision to forget it. After love-bombing you with future faking and a false . The more sensitive a narcissist is to criticism, the more likely it is they'll become mean, vengeful, and vindictive. Feels good that no one is blaming me for his faults anymore. But narcissists do not like that idea. That is why YOU don't confront them alone be it male or female, you must be clever. I dont trust home to not jack this up too! We have bitter fights about the importance of money in a married relationship. If a narcissist does something inappropriate and you put up the emotional stop sign or hold them accountable legally, they will get mad at YOU and claim that they are being "attacked.". I tried to help someone that I thought I cared about every day for a year and in the end, I ended up trying to hold on to her to the point where she consciously decided she would blatantly lie to the police about any contact, even coincidental, which resulted in me being arrested for STALKING her even though my contacts with her consisted of 5 phone calls none of which consisted of anything but the question why? I am soooo sick and tired of him by the weekend after hes been a jerk half the week for apologising yes apologising for being a jerk and defending himself at what a tough week its been and hes sorry only for him to do it again. H even blames me for him breaking up with me, which he does about every two months, and then he wants to make up. Ive allowed my husband to twist and manipulate, not be held accountable for most of it. Vindictive narcissists are known to have a hard time letting go of anger and resentment, and may hold grudges against people for things that happened long ago. We would have conversations and he would tell me that I need a spanking, o no. here to come and talk to you when you get angry. I can give up on accountability for most of her behavior, but the alcoholism HAS to stop. We are going to change this? Looking back on a long-term relationship with a Narcissistic bf, I see I had big delusions about us both For a year we worked hard using Kims materials- which worked really well- to the point where I no longer felt weak or controlled, and my partner altered behavior beyond what Id ever (EVER) thought possible! Slavery works like that; not freedom. I just need to decide. Otherwise, you will be spending your life trying to make someone else happy, and unfortunately those days are limited. The story above contains the prescription for striking fear in a narcissist by holding up the shining mirror of truth. I have just left a 10yr relationship with a Narcissist and I feel physically and mentally exhausted. Sonia. Narcissistic behavior on the job can arise at any time, with troubling results. Trying to Make the Narcissist Accountable is Keeping You Hooked. I thought that maybe I missed reading something. We are now over a year on and to this day I still love him but not the same way. Debbie says to a narcissist marriage equals money and talks about the childlike behavior. hi Kim I just read Back from the looking glass, I cannot wait to get a plan going and start this long journey. There is a part of me that wonders if I am narcissistic too, or that maybe I am misdiagnosing. I dont recommend this to anyone, but as his abuses escalated over a long period of time and never decreased, in addition to other factors, I very carefully planned and executed the plan to leave and divorce him so I could survive. Have we had good times? I was slapped, hit, kicked, bitten, told that I was not a man and it was all my fault for her behaving in such a manner. Im still trying to re-do the past with him and I still try to point things out that he said and did and I still try to explain my behaviors to his abusive remarks and all to no avail. This may not be 100% true but you are not the expert are you? After a while and much anger being vented by both sides we tried to work on it and I immediately thought I had reacted badly and apologized for my slighted messages. The best thing you can do is work on your own codependence. He has his own rules that no one else knows about. It is very important if a partner of someone with NPD decides to leave that they already have a very good plan and have already established effective strategies to de escalate and manage the conflict. It was pure agony yet the best thing that has happened in many ways. I mean for me to feel the kind of trust for him and love from him that a woman ought for someone she is having sex with wow, that would be gigantic. Through this Blog it has become to Clear. Him. I know that dyslexics can overcome their disability by sort of rewiring their brains, and can learn to read and write, but I understand that this is a difficult process that takes some time. I have also tried Kims suggestion at not allowing my husband to put me down when he is trying to shut me up bc he cant handle hearing an opposing opinion or something that points out a negative or fault of hismy husband likes to tell me how to do certain mundane tasks like cleaning up after my new dog when she releases herself on our floor. You like to be sick. I say, no you are not going to change this. When he gets mad about you making the police report you need to be ready to say calmly that he did thousands of dollars damage to your car and so of course you needed to report it to make an insurance claim. I understand the need of getting these things off your chest. And of course its all my fault! Very subtle and not the sort that you can bring others in on. I work on myself to cope with that . Harsh, but true. They are experts at playing with feelings and getting what they want, and you are the one who pays while you self-esteem continues to diminish. I dont understand why someone that doesnt have that connection stays, there are other fish in the sea you can find love you can find someone who is healthy and please dont bring your children into a narcissist relationship that is so selffish and unfair to them it hurts my whole soul to think about it. Narcissists love compliments and having people talk about them because it means they got noticed. I know where this comes from, even knowing this it hasnt changed a thing. Most of our issues now revolve around money. Im hoping to share and hear more with everyone. I have followed your advice and he seems to now trust me and I guess he therefore feels able to be more honest with me. I got out. That means I do as much as possible to surround myself with loving people, things I like to do, and time for myself to process everything in my life. Hi Butterfly and welcome (-: I understand your feelings entirely but here on this blog we do try and leave the decision to stay or go up to peoples own hearts if only because it is one of the very few places people who dont want to separate can come to get help. I am wondering why Kim hasnt responded to meI immediately think, as he and his friends do, that it is because I am to blame for his leaving. Hi Shannon and welcome here and in my short ebooks I hope you find the help you need (-: Please, What does your comment is awaiting moderation mean? Keep in mind that narcissism ranges from self-centeredness and other narcissistic traits to NPD. Nothing will convince them or change them. Do I love him the answer will always be yes. What Renee wrote could have been written by me. But ultimately, I realized that when I enjoyed being with him, it was because I imagined he had real empathy, and like Ann, in difficult times, though he was sometimes kind, it hurt that he obviously couldnt feel for me unless it was really feeling for himself. Ill set boundaries. You need to start today. I too hope you take a path that is filled with more happiness for you. Here's why a narcissist may cry when someone dies: Attention - to shift the spotlight of the whole event onto them and claim as much of the focus as possible. Narcissism in itself does not describe rape. Your a God send. How can you prevent this person raping you again? Even my grown sons do not understand what I nightmare I went through twice. He had created chaos there as well and when it all finally came crashing down on him I was ready to take him in and protect him. If this is your first time seeing my face o. He will blame me instead of himself. I agree with all of this content. Perhaps hes just a mild case. So many of you sound as if youre writing about my husband. I dont want my children to marry a person like him. This woman was a serial liar who could turn on the tears at will and present herself as a very convincing victim. 2) When returning from you deployment you told me your ex-wife was coming to town and bring the kids so they could see you. I read and read and readI find myself wishing he would hit me so I would have a definable reason to leave, something our adult children would understand. He expects respect. In our last phone call (a phone call was a rare event) I confronted him with the bad behavior, some of which is aboveall I got for that was this text, which also said that my words have power over him and IM NOT RESPONSIBLE! Although hes only hit me once and I know that sounds like denial but believe me when I tell you I have made it very clear to him that if he does it again one of us is goin to jail and one of us is goin to the hospital. I fortunately can deal with it all for the most part. This keeps the people that are suing him, unable to take his business.Im scared to death to put my name on a business that he has any control over! This was accelerated when I started studying to be a teacher and earn a better wage (planning for when I could leave him). I think that is why i am attracted to these kind of people. I actually learned this thru therapy I receive from my Psychiatrist and psychologist. I have pictures, clear pictures to prove it. He claims to have been to the counselor we saw together and that he knows he did all that to me because he hated himself before and has learned to now love himself. After a 13 year marriage my narcissistic ex confessed to an affair throughout. Especially the magic scissors and self-soothing are very powerful skills. When you've finally had enough of their antics and hold a narcissist accountable for their actions, they will fly into a rage to make you back off and distract from your accusations. Further if you carry on like a Narc whilst being oblivious to the fact that its you who is actually dragging everyone down..i promptly fire you! I suppose that I feel that Ive lived the giving mantra for long enough to build up some trust with him, and that now it is time to add some amount of holding him accountable. Thanks Kim and Steve for all your work and make sure you do the exercises in The Love Safety Work Book :0). Thanks, Thank you, Kim for this post! Eventually he began to say that he couldnt say one word with there being an issue. [], Your email address will not be published. 3) You wanted to clean up your credit and had a car repo on it.